They say the second time is easier, this is the story they tell to make going through a second breakup of sorts easier. However, I don’t believe it. This seems harder.
For a backstory, I met a guy at a bar in March of 2018 and we dated till October of 2018 when he broke up with me, changed his phone number, and got into a rebound relationship a month later. After the rebound relationship failed, he called me in January of this year and we became friends. The friendship was rocky at first, and I hid the fact that I still loved him deeply from him to keep him around and not disappear as he is so prone to do.
However, I quickly realized I was not as satisfied with the friendship as I once was, I would feel upset after hanging out with him hearing him talk about himself for the entire time and not once ask me how I was doing or how my day was. I noticed a knot in my stomach that grew larger every time I was in communication with him. I relayed this information to my friend Sarah Bella who told me in a quiet and reassuring voice, “Sabrina, it’s time to walk away from him, he’s not a good guy, he’s using you, and this feeling won’t go away.” I knew deep down she was right, but I can’t walk away from people, I always see the good in them, even when it’s clear there is not much of it. I chose to believe that this guy I met at the bar in 2018 was still there, even tho he wasn’t showing himself, my heart so desperately wanted to believe that the guy I gave my virginity too was not a terrible person. I wrested hard with telling him how I felt and finally told him what I had been feeling. This caused a fight and ultimately led to an email that ended our friendship.
Since then, this past month has been a fog. I have gotten a therapist who I really like and have been trying to focus on myself. I know this person is not good for me, but sometimes the heart and brain are not in sync with one another.
I woke up this morning to a voicemail from him, I assume it was a butt dial since he blocked me and has viciously cut me off, but the voicemail reaffirmed that this person wasn’t the guy I met. He was drunk and with another girl and I am still finding myself defending him. Maybe it’s time to believe my friends, maybe it’s time to accept that while he may have been a good guy at one time, and that he may have good intentions, his actions are not kind. He is acting like a bad guy now. He’s being an asshole to me and intent doesn’t matter. I feel hurt, betrayed, and confused by his ruthless behavior and maybe it’s time to realize that Sarah Bella was right, I was being used for money, a place to stay, and food.
Maybe I will always love him, and maybe I will always have a soft spot for him. But perhaps I can do myself a favor and love him from a far.