The hardest month of my life

They say the second time is easier, this is the story they tell to make going through a second breakup of sorts easier. However, I don’t believe it. This seems harder.

For a backstory, I met a guy at a bar in March of 2018 and we dated till October of 2018 when he broke up with me, changed his phone number, and got into a rebound relationship a month later. After the rebound relationship failed, he called me in January of this year and we became friends. The friendship was rocky at first, and I hid the fact that I still loved him deeply from him to keep him around and not disappear as he is so prone to do.

However, I quickly realized I was not as satisfied with the friendship as I once was, I would feel upset after hanging out with him hearing him talk about himself for the entire time and not once ask me how I was doing or how my day was. I noticed a knot in my stomach that grew larger every time I was in communication with him. I relayed this information to my friend Sarah Bella who told me in a quiet and reassuring voice, “Sabrina, it’s time to walk away from him, he’s not a good guy, he’s using you, and this feeling won’t go away.” I knew deep down she was right, but I can’t walk away from people, I always see the good in them, even when it’s clear there is not much of it. I chose to believe that this guy I met at the bar in 2018 was still there, even tho he wasn’t showing himself, my heart so desperately wanted to believe that the guy I gave my virginity too was not a terrible person. I wrested hard with telling him how I felt and finally told him what I had been feeling. This caused a fight and ultimately led to an email that ended our friendship.

Since then, this past month has been a fog. I have gotten a therapist who I really like and have been trying to focus on myself. I know this person is not good for me, but sometimes the heart and brain are not in sync with one another.

 

I woke up this morning to a voicemail from him, I assume it was a butt dial since he blocked me and has viciously cut me off, but the voicemail reaffirmed that this person wasn’t the guy I met. He was drunk and with another girl and I am still finding myself defending him. Maybe it’s time to believe my friends, maybe it’s time to accept that while he may have been a good guy at one time, and that he may have good intentions, his actions are not kind. He is acting like a bad guy now. He’s being an asshole to me and intent doesn’t matter. I feel hurt, betrayed, and confused by his ruthless behavior and maybe it’s time to realize that Sarah Bella was right, I was being used for money, a place to stay, and food.

Maybe I will always love him, and maybe I will always have a soft spot for him. But perhaps I can do myself a favor and love him from a far.

Sunday started off weird

Hi all,

so my Sunday started off very odd, I woke up early and checked my phone, something weirdly told me to check my blocked messages on my voicemail and voila, there was a 23 second voicemail from my ex best-friend and my ex boyfriend (same person). Now this message really triggered me as it was a butt dial with him in the car with another girl talking for 23 seconds. I know for some it seems silly but he also blocked my number and has cut me off in every way shape and form so the voicemail really bothered and hurt me. I know it’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things but it sent me on a tailspin this morning and sent me to the bathroom to burst into tears. You see, this person was my first ever boyfriend, the person I lost my virginity too, and the person who I thought I could tell anything too. I am doing the best I can to move on and to meet new people, but no matter how hard I try, something always seems to happen. I just want to get to a point where I no longer care. I am exhausted of caring about someone who doesn’t care about me anymore.

Finding myself

I’ve always been a pretty confident person and have always had a good sense of self. This all has been put to the test this past year as I am finding my sense of self shifting and changing as I navigate this adult world.

With the recent falling out of my best friend, in which he blocked me, I’ve started taking joy in the things I did before I met this person almost two years ago. I had previously spent much of my time with them forgetting myself in the process. While I am grateful that this person has evolved me into the person I am now, and has greatly impacted me, I am finding solace in finding out who I am alone. I have met so many new people this past month, none of whom I’d meet if my friend were still in my life. I’ve always enjoyed time on my own, but naturally I am a social person so forcing myself to really spend time alone with my feelings and emotions is hard.

I do miss my friend and I hope we can be friends one day, but I am also enjoying this sense of peace with myself that has been lost for the past two years.

I don’t know what 2020 holds, and I don’t know what people it will bring, but I am excited and curious to learn more about myself going forward.

Letting You Go

When chaotic things happen to me, I have a tendency to overthink, overanalyze, and over exaggerate. This particular skill has gotten me into trouble but has also forced me to look at certain people/ situations in a new light. As a forgiving person, and someone who can’t help but see the good in people, sometimes having a more realistic attitude can be particularly helpful in keeping my peace and sanity.

My therapist has given me a task of writing about myself. At first it sounded daunting. In the wake of a particularly traumatic breakup, (See previous article for complete story) I have put my analyzing, overthinking, and exaggeration skills to good use. I have spent the last three weeks in constant anxiety and disarray. Part of my trauma comes from being abandoned by my birth mom when I was a year old, and the other comes from other childhood instances. This causes me to behave irrationally and have difficulty in recognizing my own emotions when chaos ensues. Much of my energy is spent on the other person, the situation, and a potential solution, all of which I have learned are irrelevant. So here I am, trying to understand my own feelings in the only way I possibly can.

Understanding my feelings has been hard these past three weeks. Confusion, anger, and burst of sadness are the familiar sensations that I also felt a year ago when I went through my first breakup. In that particular situation, I also felt strong denial and refused to accept the end. I masked my pain with alcohol and hoped our romance would continue. I would ask myself what the point of the pain was, what the message in this was, and how long would it be before he called. I put energy into the situation, and not onto myself. I refused to accept the possibility that we were not good together and made each other absolutely miserable. I refused to accept any red flag thrown my way.

A year later, exactly, I am going through the same situation, with the same person, but instead of losing a lover, I am losing a best friend. While our reconciliation had been steady at first, it didn’t take long for drama to follow. So when our friendship imploded with an email that borderlines on satire, I quickly understood that I couldn’t put my happiness, my self worth, and my lifeline onto someone else. As I read the email, I felt a sense of relief, and a sense of clarity. Now while this clarity comes and goes, the message that this person was not the solution to my problems was clear. I had spent the last year focusing on this other person’s feelings and neglecting my own.

I am writing this story one year after getting my heart broken for the first time, three weeks since receiving the email, and days after deciding to put myself first. I still have trouble understanding my feelings, I still overthink, analyze, and exaggerate, and I still sometimes put energy onto this person. However, I am making a conscious effort, with myself and with a therapist, to acknowledge the pain, welcome it, but also to learn from it. I understand recovery is not linear.

While I had great memories with this person, romantically and platonically, and will forever cherish them, for my well-being I need to heal myself and I can’t do that with the same person who hurt me. I am sad our friendship came to a bad ending, hurt that he said painful words to me, and annoyed that I still deeply care about someone who I am not sure cares about me. But I am also grateful for the experience he gave me, he taught me what love means, or at least a version of love that was unknown to me. I know the healing road is hard and has many speed-bumps ahead, but I also know in order to love someone else again I need to let go. I need to find my independent self again and move on. Someone once said, “there are things we don’t want to happen that we have to accept, things that we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people that we can’t live without that we have to let go.”