The hardest month of my life

They say the second time is easier, this is the story they tell to make going through a second breakup of sorts easier. However, I don’t believe it. This seems harder.

For a backstory, I met a guy at a bar in March of 2018 and we dated till October of 2018 when he broke up with me, changed his phone number, and got into a rebound relationship a month later. After the rebound relationship failed, he called me in January of this year and we became friends. The friendship was rocky at first, and I hid the fact that I still loved him deeply from him to keep him around and not disappear as he is so prone to do.

However, I quickly realized I was not as satisfied with the friendship as I once was, I would feel upset after hanging out with him hearing him talk about himself for the entire time and not once ask me how I was doing or how my day was. I noticed a knot in my stomach that grew larger every time I was in communication with him. I relayed this information to my friend Sarah Bella who told me in a quiet and reassuring voice, “Sabrina, it’s time to walk away from him, he’s not a good guy, he’s using you, and this feeling won’t go away.” I knew deep down she was right, but I can’t walk away from people, I always see the good in them, even when it’s clear there is not much of it. I chose to believe that this guy I met at the bar in 2018 was still there, even tho he wasn’t showing himself, my heart so desperately wanted to believe that the guy I gave my virginity too was not a terrible person. I wrested hard with telling him how I felt and finally told him what I had been feeling. This caused a fight and ultimately led to an email that ended our friendship.

Since then, this past month has been a fog. I have gotten a therapist who I really like and have been trying to focus on myself. I know this person is not good for me, but sometimes the heart and brain are not in sync with one another.

 

I woke up this morning to a voicemail from him, I assume it was a butt dial since he blocked me and has viciously cut me off, but the voicemail reaffirmed that this person wasn’t the guy I met. He was drunk and with another girl and I am still finding myself defending him. Maybe it’s time to believe my friends, maybe it’s time to accept that while he may have been a good guy at one time, and that he may have good intentions, his actions are not kind. He is acting like a bad guy now. He’s being an asshole to me and intent doesn’t matter. I feel hurt, betrayed, and confused by his ruthless behavior and maybe it’s time to realize that Sarah Bella was right, I was being used for money, a place to stay, and food.

Maybe I will always love him, and maybe I will always have a soft spot for him. But perhaps I can do myself a favor and love him from a far.

Sunday started off weird

Hi all,

so my Sunday started off very odd, I woke up early and checked my phone, something weirdly told me to check my blocked messages on my voicemail and voila, there was a 23 second voicemail from my ex best-friend and my ex boyfriend (same person). Now this message really triggered me as it was a butt dial with him in the car with another girl talking for 23 seconds. I know for some it seems silly but he also blocked my number and has cut me off in every way shape and form so the voicemail really bothered and hurt me. I know it’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things but it sent me on a tailspin this morning and sent me to the bathroom to burst into tears. You see, this person was my first ever boyfriend, the person I lost my virginity too, and the person who I thought I could tell anything too. I am doing the best I can to move on and to meet new people, but no matter how hard I try, something always seems to happen. I just want to get to a point where I no longer care. I am exhausted of caring about someone who doesn’t care about me anymore.

Finding myself

I’ve always been a pretty confident person and have always had a good sense of self. This all has been put to the test this past year as I am finding my sense of self shifting and changing as I navigate this adult world.

With the recent falling out of my best friend, in which he blocked me, I’ve started taking joy in the things I did before I met this person almost two years ago. I had previously spent much of my time with them forgetting myself in the process. While I am grateful that this person has evolved me into the person I am now, and has greatly impacted me, I am finding solace in finding out who I am alone. I have met so many new people this past month, none of whom I’d meet if my friend were still in my life. I’ve always enjoyed time on my own, but naturally I am a social person so forcing myself to really spend time alone with my feelings and emotions is hard.

I do miss my friend and I hope we can be friends one day, but I am also enjoying this sense of peace with myself that has been lost for the past two years.

I don’t know what 2020 holds, and I don’t know what people it will bring, but I am excited and curious to learn more about myself going forward.